I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He has the fingertips of a God
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