a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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