tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
