genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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