What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
