You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize