Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
