My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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