He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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