i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
