i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
