What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
