i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
