Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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