my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
