Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
