Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
His hands were made for my vagina.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
