New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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