My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
