I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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