your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
do herpes really smell.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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