Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
