I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
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