you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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