I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
