sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
