Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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