Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
