Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
