I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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