God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My balls are so social today.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I cut my penus on the lid.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
