Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
