She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize