Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
