watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
