you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
