I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
