maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
