fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
