A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
