boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
