i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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