The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
