Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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