Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
