When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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