I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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