my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he shaved USA in his pubs
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
