i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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