3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
