She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize