I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
