We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Randomize
