Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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