Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
