You're so nebulous sometimes
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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